When Everything Falls Apart

broken-wallI thought my foundation was stable. Wrong. Everything fell apart last week and I was thrown into a dark place.

On Tuesday I suffered a personal loss and just hours later I needed to take my feverish 2.5 year-old son, Ethan, to the doctor for pneumonia. Ok I can do this, I thought, I can make it.

On Thursday we rushed Ethan’s twin, Hayden, to urgent care for vomiting that just wouldn’t stop. My poor baby had no color in his face. He was so sick it was frightening. Thankfully his chest x-ray was clear and he is now doing better but not before I succumbed to a form of whatever horrible virus he suffered through.

All weekend I was barely mobile, a total mess, leaving my husband to take care of everything. So many days lost. So much struggle.

I cried as I splintered under the weight of all this. Why are we destined to live this life in survival mode, always climbing and reaching for solid ground?

Trying to come to grips with my stabbing emotions, I re-read a journal entry I had written three months earlier in which I truly felt God’s message on my heart:

If only you could see how everything is in my hands. I am holding a beautiful plan, governing all the details. Let life unfold in my hands. Look to the birds and the wild flowers. They do not work or spin. My burden is light and I will give you rest. You only need to do the work I assign, one day at time.

Rejoice always. Do not be anxious. Do not fear. I am near, walking with you and know everything as I have knit you in your mother’s womb. I encircle you now and am directing your steps.

My purpose will prevail. Be concerned with the spirit and think of all that is just, lovely, pure, kind, gracious. Trust the slow work of God radically. Surrender. Abandon and separate yourself from this world.

All that matters is love in the end. Live in love, serve generously, humbly. Rejoice and give thanks. Be calm and gentle. I will do everything and lead you along the right path. Seek my will and I will provide all that you need. I love you more than you know…if you could only see.

When everything falls apart, He is the only foundation.

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