For a while now I have been pondering a restless thought: I have always generated my own confidence and that’s why I pursue so many competing priorities in my life. I am confident because I am wicked smart, a successful professional, and I get stuff done. I know my skills and have applied them to help many people. I hold on tightly to all the results from my life-long efforts because they give me meaning, validation, worth. Without them, my confidence evaporates. I would be nothing. Or so it feels.
What if I don’t have to abandon my abilities and achievements forever? Could I freeze them temporarily or use them under the radar while I am tasked with a much bigger calling?
Isaiah 43:18-19: Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
Whether I feel like I’m openly embracing or being dragged into it, I cannot deny that now is the time to step fully into motherhood trusting that God will lead me to apply old talents and new wisdom in the future. As scary and difficult as it is to give up so much of my identity, right now I need to BE mom. For this is my true dignity and worth.
A very wise friend helped me to understand that as a professional I will always be just one more cog in the wheel of work. But at home, I am my kids’ entire universe. Incredibly unique and irreplaceable. No one else can ever be mom to my boys like I can. I have magical mommy powers to heal, comfort, protect, and make my children laugh like no other on earth.
Right now I’m in the fertile space to teach them love and to consciously craft our everyday knowing I am their everything. This is more than enough responsibility and achievement to make a great hero. It’s my legacy forever. When face to face with God, the static in between won’t matter. Only love and how I nurtured the “talents” he exclusively created and entrusted to me.
When the rain comes and I feel like I am on sand, reverting back to the gremlin of productive action and grasping for the flimsy life rafts of this world, Lord let me believe you will calm my seas and I will be ok because you are with me. That I may soon see I am silly for having little faith in moments of doubt and despair. I need to close my eyes in grateful peace and jump blindly into God’s slow moving current. He has always, and will always, catch me.