My life was chugging along with freight train force overwhelm when the bottom fell out. I was halted. Thrown into the Twilight Zone by the most virulent virus I have ever experienced. I had never heard about or even fathomed the degree of annihilation my body could endure due to gastroenteritis that took hold of my stomach and destroyed me…for 5 days. I really needed an IV for dehydration but I am stubborn and fought on. But what scarred me the most through all this was how I completely lost control and ended up hurting my little boy.
As typically occurs every 5 minutes, my almost 3 year-old twins were fighting and whining as I was forcing myself to get them ready for bed. As I reached into the dyer for their pajamas, I discovered a diaper that had exploded from going through the washer and dryer. Again. Little gooey particles were all over the clothes. I sat on the laundry room floor about to cry when Ethan comes in to me whining about Hayden taking a toy from him. I screamed, “Shut up!!!” and slammed the door in his face.
I felt then as I still do now like I’m a horrible mother to say that to my beautiful child, the image and likeness of Christ. I caved into anger and collapsed. As a result of my weakness and failing, Ethan now says, “When you cry, Mommy tells you shut up.” Thankfully he didn’t pick up on the curse words I used that week too.
How did I get to this point? Is my spiritual house built on sand? Am I so distant from the Lord that sin and selfishness have overtaken me? I know I am not and will not ever be perfect, but this person I am today must change.
I NEED Him. I need to spend time in His Word to drown my poisoned thoughts and wash over me so powerfully that my heart is cleansed. To transform what comes out of my mouth from anger and darkness into love, truth, and light.
What dominates our time and thoughts? What consumes our attention and money? Is it God, His Will, and living the Gospel? For me it is not. It’s work and managing all the comforts, wants, and obligations of life. It’s so difficult to admit but I am painfully aware that I am a flawed being stuck in this present world instead of the Kingdom of God.
Matthew 6:19-21: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
I don’t have a simple, easy answer to this struggle other than to stop. Surrender and put down the baggage. Strip every self-serving project away even if the purge burns you. Repent and cling to Him. He is the way, the truth and the life. There is only need of Him. Let life unfold completely in His hands. Lay down your own will and life in this world. What does it profit you to gain the whole world and lose your soul? (Mark 8:36). I had a glimpse of losing my soul – several over the past week – and I want to wash it off like dirt.
Perhaps God’s message in the Book of Job summarized in The Purpose Driven Life will help me start a new direction of positive thought and steer my efforts back to him…
He is good and loving
He is all powerful
He notices every detail of my life
He is in control
He has a plan for my life
He will save me
For patience and grace, dear Lord, I pray.